Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.