her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Waiting for the Charmin
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”