The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.