Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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I’m not lazy
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
What number SPF blocks people?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
i hate you platonically
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”