Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
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Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*