The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.