GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Story of my life…..
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”