INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
(more comics:
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
first you must answer his riddles
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S