I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Good morning y’all ☀️
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬