This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Sooo many times…..
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable