[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Trying
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes