How it started: How it’s going:
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There’s never enough good news
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer