[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.