church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
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Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m not stressed
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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So. Yeah.
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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Ya I miss me too
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All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.