Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?