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*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF