this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌