Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.