I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient