Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT