Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.