Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
This forever.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.