Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
so weird how every mom was born today
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Time for evil
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities