What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Everyone’s family