Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?