Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Every damn time
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.