My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
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Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Double negatives are never not confusing.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*