[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
You Might Also Like
Seems kinda suspicious
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I can’t be the only one 😂
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED