how do y’all walk in shallow water
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊