Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.