Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
You Might Also Like
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.