Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.