What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.