People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.