I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My typo game is string.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
No way!
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.