God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
HELP 😭