Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Meme Monday.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?