ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
And now we wait
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?