Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Finally a use for spoilers…
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest