You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Remember folks 😂
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.