Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
how was your vacation
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I beg your pardon?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”