Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die