“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
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Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.