Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first