That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase