Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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This is Sparta
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
#SaturdayBears
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker