Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
You Might Also Like
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.