Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?