The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.