Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?